The Best Antidote for the Impostor Syndrome

Have you ever had a moment of doubt and uncertainty when you hit send on an email or publish for a post? I am not talking about the time(s) that you wrote a private rant email just to “get if off of your chest” and instead of hitting delete, you accidentally hit send. "Oops! Did I really send that?"Not that I have ever done that, I’ve just heard others talk about doing it and how they wish they hadn’t.The doubt and uncertainty I’m referencing is what I experienced when I shared what was perhaps my most vulnerable post yet. The post where I talked about Ending My Agonizing Epic Struggles with the Impostor Syndrome. If you haven’t read it, you can read it here. Before publishing that post, I shared the post with my wife, Gwen, and asked how she felt about my sharing it.“Is it too much? Is it too personal?”, I asked. We discussed it. She recognized the risks, but encouraged me to “go for it.”I’ve learned to embrace vulnerability from my mentor, Brené Brown. Don’t you love the sound of that, my mentor? Sounds like we know one another, right? Like we actually talk on a regular basis and she checks in on me?Not really. It’s more of a virtual mentorship. You do have some of those, don’t you?I’ve watched her TED Talks numerous times, read her books, even had her read her books to me (you can too with Audible.) Someday, I hope to sit down for a face-to-face chat.Brené helped me discover that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s an act of courage and demonstrates strength. Yet, even with all of that, when I hit publish and saw the confirmation message. “Are you sure you want to publish this post?”I paused.Am I really sure I want to publish this post? There was still time to abort.I took a deep breath and hit, “Yes.”And then moved on to my next task to get my mind off of what might happen next with that post.Well, that’s the story I’d like you to believe.Actually, I did move on to other tasks, but my mind kept wondering, has anyone read it yet? Hmm, no comments, that’s not a good sign.Oh come on, please tell me you’ve done that. At least once.Here’s what really happened. Over the next few hours, more people read that post than any other post I’ve written so far. Interesting, eh?It struck a chord with you. And I’m so glad it did.According to the research, I know I am not the only one to struggle with the impostor syndrome. But, at that moment when I am feeling like an impostor, I am tempted to believe that no one else has ever felt this way.For some strange reason, I believe it’s just me. Or you think, you’re the only one who feels like a fraud when it’s happening to you.

The Encounter That Prompted Me to Share

Last month, I exchanged messages with a friend on LinkedIn over a post I had written on Servant Leadership. A few days passed and then I received a message. [Please note: I have permission to share this, but am deleting a few details to protect the privacy of this friend.]“Can I ask you something? I lead by example and always considered myself a strong manager. Lately, I have been leaving work sick. My associates see me struggling -- physically and emotionally. My conflict is, does it make me an empathetic leader that I share and let them see we all have our weaknesses or does it make me look weak?”I pondered how to respond. As I did, I realized this person might be dealing with the Impostor Syndrome.Perhaps the thoughts in their mind were something like this: Here’s the image I project (or want to project), but what if they see me as something other than that? Something less than that?

Will they think less of me as their leader?

Will they think I’m a fraud?

The health condition confronting this individual is serious and presents a multitude of challenges. Wondering how they are, or will be, perceived at work should not even be on the list.But is was! And weighing heavily on their mind.How could I respond and communicate hope and lighten the load?Carefully, thoughtfully, and, of course, Socratic-ally.As part of my reply, I asked, “How do you define a strong manager? As you think about your decision, what are the criteria you are using to determine the rightness of that decision?”What I helped them do was reframe the question. Instead of asking, “Am I a strong manager?” I asked them to consider “What makes a strong manager strong?”Persevering through a personal challenge or health crisis when it would be easier to simply throw in the towel and wallow in self-pity certainly exemplifies strength.[Tweet "Strength is not the absence of struggle, it's persevering through the struggle."]This leader reconciled their challenge by reframing the issue and discovered that the path they chose was authentic for them. As a result of publicly sharing their health challenge, they discovered others in the organization experiencing the same, or similar challenges. As a result, they were able to encourage one another.Rather than losing credibility, this leader gained it. Rather than feeling forced to conceal their struggles, they shared them. The real fraud would have been to masquerade as though everything was fine, and try to conceal the pain to support a caricature of strength.Authenticity is the Antidote The antidote to feeling like an impostor is living and leading authentically. It’s what some people call, being comfortable in your own skin.Being comfortable in your own skin includes accepting yourself, just as you are. Accepting your physical characteristics. Owning your strengths as well as your shortcomings.Authenticity isn’t license for being a jerk nor does it negate becoming the best version of yourself you can be. Actually, authenticity encourages knowing yourself so that your actions originate from within, rather than something you are putting on as an external show.Authenticity frees you from mimicking others and pretending to be someone, or something, you are not. It means being real, rather than being a phony.It’s impossible to be an impostor when you are being your authentic self.Of course, we all have influences. We have mentors, role models, and heroes. Those people who have influenced you and whom you admire. It’s okay to be influenced by others, but you must be yourself.When you see something you admire in others, consider how you can internalize it and find your authentic version of that behavior rather than simply imitating their version.[Tweet "Modify, don’t mimic. Don’t ripoff and duplicate. Instead, adopt and adapt."]Finding Your Authentic SelfSo what is authenticity and how does a leader become [more] authentic?The outward actions are what we see, encounter, and experience. It’s those actions that we judge to be real or fake. However, what determines the authenticity of those actions is usually unseen.[Tweet "Authenticity starts as an inside job."]Think of it as the authenticity iceberg. It is the unseen dimensions below the surface that really determine whether your actions are authentic or not. People judge by what they see, hear, or otherwise experience. But what really determines whether or not they think you are authentic is the harmonious connection between what lies within and shows without.It begins with intentions. What is your aim or purpose? What do you seek to accomplish?Are your intentions to connect, help, or serve others or do you want to impress them, sell them, or in some way use or manipulate them? It’s two different starting points, but your intention sets the course.Add to intentions your personal values — yours are unique and uniquely yours. Having clarity about your values is essential. They serve as the guardrails that determine whether a course of action is, or is not, authentic for you.The current US political season provides vivid examples of some candidates taking delight in berating or belittling others. That behavior may be authentic for them.It doesn’t work for me and it doesn’t win me over as a voter. Anytime I berated or belittled others, I knew I crossed a personal line. I violated a value and also violated another person. YUCK!Authenticity occurs when there is harmony and resonance between our intentions, values, and actions. Authenticity happens naturally when you are living out of your true and best self.People crave authentic encounters. Imagine communities where actions were judged less by their utility (did it produce a desired outcome) and more by their authenticity (was that in line with my intentions and values)?Being comfortable in your own skin not only feels good. It’s also the best way I know to live free of the Impostor Syndrome. Remember, you are only your best when your are being authentically you.Or as Dr. Suess put it,

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”