To Fix or Not to Fix...
How do you respond when someone comes to you with a problem seeking your wisdom, guidance, and assistance? If you’re a fixer, you probably jump at the opportunity to “fix”. After all, fixing is why you were put on the planet. Isn’t it?For fixers, fixing is a natural response. Actually, it might even be your automatic response. Almost Pavlovian. Someone comes to you and says something to the effect of, “I have a situation and wonder if you could help.” Your heart warms. Your mind goes into high gear getting ready to rapidly search the archives for that exact nugget of wisdom that is needed most in this moment to clear the fog, perhaps even part the sea for the “fixee” in front of you. You begin to salivate like Pavlov’s dogs at the ringing of the bell. Oh, oh, oh, this is going to be great!Someone, who is in dire straits, may need you and your great wisdom to illuminate their darkness and shine the light on their path forward. Naturally, you — being the kind, compassionate, and caring person that you are — cannot conceive of not jumping in with a fix. Immediately!It would be inhumane to not respond and share your great wisdom. After all, you’ve spent years accumulating knowledge, skills, and abilities and even developed a reputation for being able to quickly comb the archives and find the nugget of truth or pearl of wisdom and dispense it on command.Bonus points are awarded for those who share with panache — be it pithy and profound statements or a bit of humor that lightens the atmosphere and lessens the tension in the environment.For the fixers among us (yes us), having someone approach us to seek our “wisdom” is like the invitation to a private party beyond the velvet rope or a qualifying round for the upcoming Olympics.You relish the challenge. Let’s see how fast you can solve their dilemma. Perhaps their situation is unique and challenges you in ways you have yet to be challenged. Is this an opportunity to place another X in the win column or add a notch on your belt?What could be wrong with helping someone who is struggling?Maybe nothing. Or maybe everything.Have you ever stopped to consider the downside or even the dark side of being a fixer? As a recovering fixer, I am well aware of the win a fixer feels when you fix something. Especially if what you fix was complex, thorny, and complicated.[clickToTweet tweet="But what if your win as the fixer deprives the “fixee” of their own personal win? " quote="But what if your win as the fixer deprives the “fixee” of their own personal win? "]Worse, what if your fixing only reinforces the belief that they are incapable of resolving issues for themselves? In that case, your action, although it is rooted in compassion, as no doubt it is, actually fosters dependence and stymies the learning, growth, and development of the very ones you seek to help.Here is a place where “two roads diverge”. On the one hand, when you are approached for advice, take the seat of the guru, dispense advice, and share wise counsel.Or you can take a road less traveled.When these opportunities arise and people come to you for you to “fix” them. Perhaps, instead of immediately giving advice and dispensing wisdom, you help them explore their options and discover their own answers.As a result, you will help them bolster their confidence, increase their capacity, and muster their courage. It is definitely a win-win situation. It’s just a different kind of win for the fixers. In time, I think you’ll discover it to be a better kind of win. And you’ll be glad you took this less-traveled road.Please do not interpret this to mean that “fixing” is always wrong and never the appropriate path. That simply not true. However, many fixers like the thrill of fixing. My suggestion is that when asked for help, pause and ponder which path is the best choice and follow the one that allows everyone to win.If you have experiences, please share by adding a comment below.
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