Maybe This Is What's Keeping You From Being All You Were Meant To Be

Have you ever caught yourself looking at someone and wondering “What is it about them that allowed them to achieve the success they have? To build the following that they amassed. To be the voice that thousands, or even millions, listen to. Be the guide others look to for help?”Perhaps you’ve thought, “I’m just as gifted as they are, right? Why is it so easy for them?” Sometimes, you complete it with … and so difficult for me?Then, suddenly, as you sit there at your table-for-one pity party, sulking, you are overcome with guilt and grief. OMG, not only are you not changing the world as you had hoped, now you are guilty of one of the 7 Deadly Sins. Envy.Maybe you envy their position, progress in life, business, or ministry (yes, even ministers struggle with this). Possibly, it’s the scale and scope of their influence, their platform, that bothers you.But if you got a peek into their life, you would probably be surprised to discover that what looks so easy for them hasn’t always been easy. It may not even be easy right now.They have struggled with some of the same thoughts as you.If you have ever struggled with that, please know you are not alone. This does not have to be the way your story ends. Instead, it might just be the bridge you need to cross to the next chapter.[clickToTweet tweet="Don’t let a life-confining moment become a life-defining moment." quote="Don’t let a life-confining moment become a life-defining moment."]Let’s explore how life-confining events happen and how you can diffuse them so they don’t continue to confine or define you.Life-defining moments are events that establish or change the course of all that follows that event. Often, we hear people describe life-defining events as a single encounter or fortuitous event that changed everything that followed it.I recently heard Henry Winkler describe the defining moment of his life, the day he showed up for an audition just one week after moving to Hollywood with only $1,000 to his name.It was a casting call for a new television series. Henry wasn’t exactly what they were looking for; they envisioned someone much taller for the role. Winkler is only 5’6”, but as he auditioned for the role, he actually defined the role and was hired as Arthur Fonzarelli, better known as, Fonzie, for the 70s hit TV show, Happy Days.This life-defining moment came on the heels of a life-confining moment. Just a few weeks earlier, Winkler had been fired from a starring role in a play in Washington D.C. He was so dejected that he cried the whole drive from Washington, D.C. to New York. He could have let that rejection be the end of the road rather than a bend in the road. Instead, he packed his bags and headed for Hollywood and the rest is history, better yet, it is his story.

What are life-confining moments?

While they take different forms, life-confining moments are events that cause you to question your gifts, talents, abilities, or worth. They attach onto you like a leech that seeks to suck the life out of you or like a boa constrictor seeking to squeeze, or suffocate, your life.I see three major causes of life-confining moments — comparison, criticism, and conformity.

Comparison

Why can’t you be more like _________________?.Perhaps you followed in the footsteps of an older sibling who excelled in an area and you always lived in their shadow. Somewhere along the way you encountered an authority figure, a teacher, a coach, or parent who initiated the comparison and first asked, “Why can’t you be more like ______________?”Regardless of their motivation for asking, the effect is often the same. It locked you into a comparison, perhaps an unfair one. Rather than creating a sense of wonder, esteem and appreciation for you and your unique gifts, talents, and abilities, it prompted you to compare yourself with someone else.The net effect?You shrunk back. You withdrew. Rather than becoming more like your best self, you suppressed your true self and attempted to become more like the person to whom you were compared.Comparison robbed you of your unique identity and caused you to question your abilities and contribution.

Criticism

How could you be so _______________?It’s an attack on some aspect of your personality or performance that calls your entire worth and identity into question. Maybe you were called lazy, stupid, or dumb. Perhaps, like me, a teacher criticized your artistic or academic abilities leading you to internalize labels of “I’m not artistic”, “I’m not creative”, “I’m not smart” or whatever your limiting labels may be.I was reminded of this recently as I witnessed an unpleasant encounter. I overheard a father grilling his young son over some sort of failure earlier in the day on the athletic field.

“I can’t believe you did that. Do you know what an embarrassment you were out there today?”

Those words caught my ear. I glanced in the direction of the boy, who looked to be about 12. I watched as he squirmed in his seat. I saw him withdraw as his father continued his tirade.The father, seething with anger, continued to taunt his young son. “And another thing,…” at this point, the father was piling on one hateful, hurtful criticism after another.The boy continued to shrivel and shrink. My heart hurt.I wondered what incredible gifts, talents, and abilities this young prodigy really wanted to express. I prayed this harsh criticism not become a life confining moment in his life.That one event is seared into my memory. It’s probably the catalyst for this post. As much as I’d like to believe it was an isolated event, I know better. Too many parents have been poisoned and pass that poison along to their children.While I am tempted to judge that father, I am reminded to be compassionate towards him. Hurting people hurt people.What wound is that man carrying that causes him to perpetuate this cycle of criticism on his son? Who wounded him so deeply? What dreams were denied him? How might he find healing for his hurt and wholeness for his soul?I don’t know of anyone who is immune from criticism. The tragedy is when that criticism goes unchecked and causes people to shut down or cut off their true selves. Rather than becoming the best version of you, you can be, you sought to become someone or something else. Again, a life-confining moment.

Conformity

Conformity is another way your true self is confined. Sometimes conformity is an event, more often it is a response to an event or your way of dealing with comparison or criticism. Whatever its genesis, it too results in you suppressing your real self in attempts to please others or gain their approval.[clickToTweet tweet="Conformity kills authenticity! Don’t let it kill you." quote="Conformity kills authenticity! Don’t let it kill you."]Rather than fanning the flame of your uniqueness, you seek to fit the mold of what others have deemed acceptable or respectable. It’s just one more way that your life was confined. Instead of being the best you, you sought to imitate someone else.But deep inside you know, you are wired for originality. You know that what Oscar Wilde said is true, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”[clickToTweet tweet="We all encounter life-confining moments. No one gets a free pass. The difference is how u respond." quote="We all encounter life-confining moments. No one gets a free pass. The difference is how u respond."]Don’t allow life confining moments to be life defining moments. If you have been squeezed by comparison, criticism, or conformity, it’s time to break free. Break free to become who you are meant to be.

Here are four ways to transform life-confining moments:

Recognize those events for what they are. They are attempts to squelch and squash the real you and lead you to squander your gifts, talents, and abilities. Maybe they were prompted by pain, regrets, or jealousy. Regardless of the source or motivation, recognize that the comparisons or criticisms were illegitimate and determine to move on.Reframe your perception or understanding of what happened. Please note, I am not suggesting that you deny or excuse what happened. Rather, reframe those events, not as judgments about you, your abilities, or your worth. But recognize that the people who inflicted hurt upon you had been hurt themselves and did not deal with their own hurt in healthy ways and passed it on to you.Release them. In other words, forgive them. Find and extend grace to them for the hurt they inflicted on you. When you hold someone captive by not forgiving them, you are only imprisoning yourself. Free them and you!Rewrite the ending of your story. After all, your life IS your story and if you’re still alive, there’s time to rewrite the ending. Your life-confining moment is not the end of your story. It no longer needs to be your life-defining moment. Take action now and identify your gifts, talents, and abilities. Discover ways to become the best version of you, you can be. Find someone, better yet, some community where you belong, where people value and encourage you to give full expression to your fabulous self and make your unique contribution. If you are looking for a community check out the Living Your WHY community.We need you, the one and only you, and your contribution.

Sign up for notifications about future blog posts:

[convertkit form=4898348]